Book Review - Personal Enemy

Author: Sylvie Kurtz

Blurb:
For her, business was personal...

And Adria Caskey was about to settle the account, once and for all. Long ago her family had been ripped from her with no warning. Now Adria was finally ready to take down the only man left of those responsible. Peter Dragon needed an undercover bodyguard to watch his back - and who better than Adria, a trained executive protector, to become his personal assistant?

Her plan to infiltrate and destroy had begun - until a third party blindsided her with intent to kill them both. Now Adria had to join forces with her enemy and stay alive long enough to fight another day.... 

My Review

3.5 KICKASS STARS

I don't usually read romantic suspense I tend to lean more towards contemporary romance but this book gripped me and didn't let go. I read the whole book in one sitting; completely immersed in Peter and Adria's story of murder, questionable motives and fear.

I liked Adria she was a strong female character with an actual backbone! That quite a few female protagonists are missing nowadays. liked the female bodyguard aspect and how she saw situations differently, focusing on every detail. She kicked arse and showed that girls are as strong, if not stronger then guys are. And her grandfather seemed like the type of guy I would want to meet.
I liked seeing inside her head but I also felt like she took over the story a bit, hearing Peter's thoughts and feelings could have been interesting and balanced it out a bit more. I also would have liked to have known a bit more about her; the training, what she was like after her parents died, that type of thing. Though that may not have completely fit into the story I would still have liked to have seen it.

Peter was quite a good character but I didn't feel a whole lot of anything for him he was just sorta there while Adria took center stage. Also him getting all worked up over nothing which affected Adria's mission kinda annoyed me. Like, this women chose to protect you with all her resources and you try to make it difficult for her. Okay, he wasn't like that all the time but there were parts where he did do that.
Also is your presentation really worth your life honestly, if you die then there's no presentation anyway. And Peter kept talking about if he didn't have the presentation then the other guy would win, completely forgetting the part where him dying would be an even bigger win.
You are probably getting a strong feeling that I didn't like Peter but he wasn't all that bad, that's just what I'm focusing on. Though if the female protagonist had been a weak character the story would probably have fallen flat and become a DNF for me.

I would have also liked to have had a bit more talking about the past from the two of them as that's what started this whole thing in the first place. Even at the least talking about the night Adria's parents died as that affected both of you a lot.

I also didn't feel a lot of the romance part climbing through and maybe there wasn't really time in their suspense filled world but there was still time to talk or something. But maybe that's just how romantic suspenses are and since I haven't read many I wouldn't know. Even so I still would have liked to see more of them in a more romantic aspect.

Besides that I felt like the author portrayed each emotion extremely well making me feel like I was there, feeling the emotions alongside Adria and Peter. In the time I spent reading this their world became mine.

Though you may think that I am a bit negative and may not have liked the book much I actually found it quite enjoyable and will likely read it again and knowing the story I will be able to find clues I might have missed.

Poem - Love Me Too

Type: Rhyming

I'm so into you
It makes me blue
That you don't love me too
My love, it's true

Hug me close
My heartbeat slows
There it goes
Nobody knows

Let's keep it that way
Let's run away
And if I may
Just say you'll stay

Forever with me,
I will smile with glee
It will make me free
Please, just agree

Short Story - Tortured Ending

Prologue

Celaena

To get where we are now we went through struggles, breaking down wall after wall, facing obstacle after obstacle, and tearing the ice around our hearts to pieces. This story was one of our largest obstacles and definitely the most painful for both of us. But having my saviour there brought me through.

Now to tell you who my saviour is, well ... he is.... well him, yeah him over there. He's Derek, and Derek is Derek, that's the only way to explain him. He's gone through a lot just like me. But unlike me, he's comfortable in his own skin, and with good reason. He is the definition of tall, dark and handsome. His bronzed skin gleams in the sunlight, his 6'4 height over-shadowing my 5'8 frame making me feel protected. 
His hair, dark and lustrous, had a sheen like fine hardwood. But that comparison isn't entirely fair, I suppose. Hardwood doesn't swish gently like his hair does, swaying with the words he speaks. The depths of that deep chestnut brown reflected in the radiance of his smile. And from under the gleaming strands peeks out the most expressive eyes I've ever seen. They were the colour of clear blue sky peeking through a broken prison wall; the colour of a perfect raindrop on a blue aster; the colour of a river hurrying to join the great ocean. And they were absolutely captivating. Even so, you would probably cross the street if you ever saw him. He has this hint of danger and darkness, a look that injects fear into all those who meet him, even the ones who don't know he's a werewolf.

Oh and by the way, I'm Celaena, I'm an assassin and I'm running from hell itself, right into the arms of the devil.

This shows the pain we went through as we crashed through the final obstacle, the obstacle that chased us, that followed us through our entire journey. The obstacle that nearly killed us.
This is part of our long, pain filled story, and probably the worst of part of it all. But even so this event changed us, made us who we are today.

This love story is too messed up to be beautiful, but it's ours. This is our story.

1

Derek

Mischief swims in those expressive eyes of hers, bringing out the emerald colour. Her eyes were green. The kind of green that pushed its way through the piles of gritty snow to remind you that spring was coming. The kind of green that budded on the prisoners of winter, bringing life back to their branches. The colour of the forest after it rains. 
The only thing obscuring her eyes is a halo of the purest gold. Which holds the essence of summer. She's a goddess of the sun, though she is more like the angel of the darkness. The waves drape to the small of her back, softly curling along the ends. Every time she appears the day never ends and smiles never fade. She was a siren leading everyone to sudden brightness.
Her hair was the complete opposite of her. Where her hair was light, she was dark, but I loved her anyway, and I told her that as I slung my arm across her shoulders and pulled her into me. That beaming smile of hers overtook her face as she gazes up at me.
I lean in to kiss her, when I see a black shadow rush into the alley way. I see the glint of a blade shines in the moonlight.
I can tell Celaena felt me stiffen as she was instantly on alert and I could see her paranormal senses sharpening as mine were. Her ears suddenly turn to points and a glow of blue surrounded her. My arm lifted and fell, as her horned wings grew out her back. "Wait, I will deal with this, it could be nothing, you know." I could see that she was less than pleased with this. "Okay, sweetheart?"
"Yeah, fine."
I never expected that to be the last thing I said to her as I was drugged and moved to the Argent dungeon.

Celaena

"Derek? Derek?" I shouted to the empty alleyway as I searched for the only person that I've ever trusted. And I'm not thick, I know that he's gone but I'm looking for something so I can find who took him.
My eyes scan the kidnapping scene. I look high and low but I can't see anything other than piles of rubbish. I'm about to leave when I see the street light reflect off an object. I creep closer to it and realise it's a knife. A M-9 Bayonet to be exact, one that has the distinct marking of the Argents. The Argents. Paranormal hunters. They have been after Derek for so long and they've finally gotten him, and even worse they got him while I was around the damn corner. My anger takes over before I can control it and I change, I become Fae, turning my face up towards the sky I bellow with everything inside of me. That was a warning of what was to come.

I will make the Argents wish they were never born. They don't know who they're messing with.

2 hours later

Derek

I came to with a thudding headache, eyes closed against the dull pain. The back of my skull throbbed like someone was bashing my skull with a hammer. I bit out a curse as I moved my hand to inspect the damage - except that my hand didn't move. Something was restraining my arms. My legs, were also immobilized, I realised as I tried to lift myself off this dirt floor. The violent hum of electricity streaking through the air assaulted my battered head, calling forth a grimace of agony. A steady dripping was the only sound in this cell. It must be coming from a tap or a leak in the roof.

How long had I been out? My lips were parched and hunger growled in my stomach. I cracked open my eyes to perceive where I was. But blackness continued to engulf me. A tremor of panic vibrated in my core. I was blind, sightless, motionless, restrained, I was completely helpless and as good as dead, like a lamb awaiting slaughter. That slight tremor increased in intensity until I literally shook from it.

That was when I heard the heavy sound of footsteps come towards me. "Gerard Argent," I spat, "how lovely to see you again, still terrorising the paranormal, are you?" 
I see him pull a gun out of his pants as he shouted, "shut up! I've always hated your cockiness."
He seemed to expect an answer and once he realized I wasn't going to give him one he continued. "Oh Derek, you probably think someone is going to save you, but you have no family, do you. Because I killed them all. But don't worry you will see them soon."

I pull at the chains attempting to attack him, even baring my canines in the process, but I just can't escape. And I need to calm the hell down or else there's no chance I'll be able to get out of here. Think of Celaena, she will save you.
"Now to the fun part," he spoke with glee, "torture!"

That was all I heard before I was slammed into the concrete wall behind me and lifted by my throught. I made out the distant sound of clanking chains as I was hosted to the ceiling. Gerard's brass knuckles flew towards my head, repeatedly smashing into my face, back and chest. All I heard was Gerard chuckle and say, "not so tough now are you, you little werewolf scum." The next thing I felt was the burn of a knife cut across my chest. The pain was too great for me to handle and I passed out. Celaena please save me.

3 Days Later

Derek

I wake and can finally open my eyes long enough to look around the cell. It was barely six feet by four. Instead of a wide window with a flower box there was a mean barred opening with thick metal bars and no glass. It was no brighter inside than the gathering gloom of dusk, even at midday. The bed was a plank of wood on legs, there was no mattress, no cushioning and only one thin blanket. It was either suffocatingly quiet or pierced with my screams as I'm tortured. I can't move from my position as every muscle hurts. Since day after day, I'm thrown and beaten with anything from fists, to knives, to guns. It reminds me of when I was younger. I have started giving up hope that Celaena is going to save me. I thought she loved me, but it's obvious she doesn't. She can hear my screams from the house and she knows exactly where I am as I was able to remove the knife used on me and left it in the alley for her to find and know where I was.

I was pulled out of my thoughts by the now familiar sound of boots stomping down the concrete hall towards my cell. I try to hide my flinch when I see the brass knuckles from the first night on his hand. I could see his ruthless intent before I felt a balled fist make contact with my muscle, making it feel like a rogue freight train hit me in the stomach. I feel my diaphragm collapse under the force of the fist and metal. Oddly enough, the fist continued to thrust upwards until my liver and stomach stopped his hand from smashing into my spine. My breath instantly left me for dead as I buckled over. I swear I heard a cracking sound ricochet between my ribs. Fire ran through every fiber of my abdomen, and I tasted bile, adrenaline and a hint of blood. I gasped for air, but oxygen eluded my grasp. I was as helpless as a newborn, injured and out of energy, I swear I saw the life pour out of me onto the cell floor. I couldn't breathe let alone protect my body from any more damage he was willing to deal out.

With a quick hit of a gun across my face, I saw stars. I wanted to beg him to kill me, until I saw the familiar blue light in the doorway. My angel had come to save me.

4

Celaena

1 hour earlier

The lingering light was obliterated by the rapidly falling night. The once salmon and purple sky transformed into a vast expanse of jet-black that engulfed the town. A canopy of luminous stars materialized amongst the ocean of blackness. Some were dull, merely flickering into existence every now and then, but there was an adequate amount of shimmering stars to illuminate the dark, moonless night. The lake glistened, mirroring the dazzling assemblage of glittering stars and the luminescence from the restaurants and designer boutiques that lined the marina. The faint wind brushed against the water's surface, the ripples ruffled the stillness of the surface, and shattered the reflection of the harbour. It was time to put my plan into action, tonight I would save Derek. 
I had planned this night out for the past few days as I listened to Derek's screams. Sometimes having amazing hearing isn't a good thing. Day by day my anger grew, until tonight where I get to kill everyone and everything that is in that building. The Argent's will rue the day they took Derek. No one messes with those I love.

45 minutes later

I was outside this nasty compound watching Gerard Argent beat Derek into a bloody pulp and felt anger and hate bubble up inside of me. It was one of the worst things to feel absolutely useless as someone you love is in pain. With the anger of watching the beating I transformed, I became Fae. I felt the burn in my back as graceful, horned wings grew from my otherwise flat back. They were the colour of night perfectly fitted to this time of day. My only light was the glow of the sun, well that was before a blue light surrounded me, showing the power that radiated from my body. The worst part of this transformation was that as my ears sharpened into point's my hearing got better and Derek's screams became nearly unbearable. I will avenge you soon, моя любовь. (My Love) You will never have to deal with those mudbloods again.

My wings spread behind me and I lifted myself into the air and flew onto the roof. I made quick work of destroying part of the roof. I land in the damp hallway with a graceful leap and small thud. I bring my wings into me as I stood in the doorway of the cell. "Привет (Hi) Gerard. Did you miss me?"

5

Derek

"Привет Gerard. Did you miss me?" I hear Celaena spit. She's actually here, she's actually going to save me. 
"You fell right into my trap Celaena. Your little boyfriend was nothing but a way to catch the Fae Queen."
"How did you k-?"
"I know everything about you, well everything other than your Fae powers which is exactly why I captured your werewolf," Gerard taunts.
"Oh my gosh you know my name and that I'm Fae Queen. WOW! All that shows it that you're a regular old stalker, with a lot of time on your hands. Probably because of your lack of friends, and didn't your wife leave you a few days ago. What a shame, you had been married for 25 years and all it took was her to find out about your real job and poof she's gone," Celaena slings back.
I could see that angered Gerard and I saw him quickly tap his wrist. Within seconds an army of men crowded into the room and surrounded the doorways.
"Oh, how you underestimate me," Celaena taunts, "you said that you don't know about my kind, well let me give you a little lesson about our wings." With that she flew into the air and beat her wings, sending a powerful rush of wind to all those standing behind her. That was pretty straightforward for Celaena, except I saw the glint of a bottle in her hand as she dropped her arm from her back. What is she up to?

I quickly get my answer when I see every single soldier writhing on the floor in pain. Within a few seconds they stop moving and I know what that means. They're dead. I can see the outrage in Gerard's face as well as the amusement. His smug little face annoys the hell out of me, especially when he starts his condescending slow clap. 
"Well done Celaena you killed an entire army with nothing but your wings."
"Don't be smug, I'll kill you next," gotta love my snarky girl.
"Oh will you now."
"Mhmm," Celaena replied trying to seem bored and unaffected though I know her so well and can tell how tense she is.
"I don't think you will."
"Oh and why is that?"
"Because if you try I will kill your little boyfriend," with that revelation Gerard moved behind me and held a knife to my throat.
"Celaena!" I croaked. The last time I had been held like this, my entire family had been murdered. 
"Не волнуйтесь у меня есть план." (Don't worry I have a plan)
"Конечно, я волнуясь, он может убить меня!" (Of course I'm worrying he might kill me)
"You two shut up," he pushed the knife deeper into my neck. I could tell we were annoying him as he didn't know Russian.
"You should have learnt Russian, it's such a pity that you didn't," I taunted.
"Don't get smug on me now werewolf. You are completely at my mercy." Werewolf, that's when I remembered, I could change and attack. All of my anger rises to the surface as I tried to change, yet I was unable. That showed just how weak they had made me over the past few days.
I could see the exact moment Celaena realised this because suddenly the blue glow around her became brighter and stretched further. Her anger had reached it's peak, and I know that in her form that was dangerous with a capital d.

Celaena

Calm down, you need to have a clear head for this. Within my head rant I missed Gerard's whistle, which lead me to be unprepared for the swarm of soldiers that squeezed into the room and surrounded us. Oh hell! I shouted in my head, I can't deal with all of these soldiers on my own. 
I had to keep Derek and Ime alive, whatever it takes.
I pull a sword from it's holster, beat my wings and rose to hover above them. With a loud battle cry I bring my sword up and swing. I honestly don't know what happened but the next time I looked up I saw blood splattering the walls, bodies in different pieces scattered across the room and saw a fearful look on Gerard's face. 
"Nobody hurts the ones that I love!" I spat in the old man's face as I brought my dagger up and sunk it into his wrist, pinning him to the wall.
"No, please don't do this," he whimpered like a pitiful child.
"Grow up and be a man. And you brought this upon yourself by taking Derek to tempt me to come here."
My next dagger went through his right ankle, then his left, to finish it off I put the final dagger into his right wrist.
"Derek, would you like to do the honours?"
"Sure, sweetheart." I could hardly hear what he said, with Gerard's screams sounding in my ears.
"Shut up would ya," I snarled at the screaming banshee behind me.

I stepped to the side as Derek hobbled towards Gerard, this was his revenge, not mine. 
"Goodbye Gerard," Derek whispered as his arm curved in a perfect arch, cleaning cutting off Gerard's neck.

"Let's get out of here," I muttered, surrounding Derek with my wings bringing him into my chest ready to fly back to the house. Now we were finally free from that monster.

Epilogue

Celaena

Derek's arms rested protectively around my shoulders as my head rested on his chest, listening to the distinct thump of his heartbeat. I felt his chin dig into the crown of my head though I didn't mind. I heard him whisper the words, "we're safe now, he can't get us, he's dead."

****

At the end of the day I wasn't as strong as I acted, but even so Derek loved both parts of me the week and the strong. That's why when he went down on one knee, pulled a velvet box out of his pocket and said the magical words, I shouted yes.

"You are different from anyone I have ever met. You're strong, good-hearted, cultured, forgiving and loving. You're also stubborn, loyal and very independent and that's everything I love about you. You have certainly given me a run for my money since I've met you. You've challenged me and brought out a man I thought I never could be. We have been through alot together and we will continue to go through a lot, but we'll conquer whatever life throws our way. I want to thank you for being my best friend and my girlfriend. But, I want to be more than just your boyfriend, I want to be your happily ever after, your best friend, your husband. I want you for my wife, Celaena Wilder, will you marry me?"

****
That was part of our long drawn out story. That was our pain and life. That was how I became Mrs Derek Hale at the young age of 23. That was our love story. And I finally got my happily ever after.

Book Review - Perfect Chemistry

Title: Perfect Chemistry
Author: Simone Elkeles
Genre: Romance
Series: Perfect Chemistry 
Pages: 368

Audience: Young Adult/New Adult

Main Characters: Brittany Ellis and Alex Fuentes
Setting: Chicago, Illinois

Blurb:

A fresh, urban twist on the classic tale of star-crossed lovers.

When Brittany Ellis walks into chemistry class on the first day of senior year, she has no clue that her carefully created 'perfect' life is about to unravel before her eyes. She's forced to be lab partners with Alex Fuentes, a gang member from the other side of town, and he is about to threaten everything she's worked so hard for: her flawless reputation, her relationship with her boyfriend, and the secret that her home life is anything but perfect.

Alex is a bad boy and he knows it. So when he makes a bet with his friends to lure Brittany into his life, he thinks nothing of it. But soon Alex realizes Brittany is a real person with real problems, and suddenly the bet he made in arrogance turns into something much more.

In a passionate story about looking beneath the surface, Simone Elkeles breaks through the stereotypes and barriers that threaten to keep Brittany and Alex apart.

Review:

My Stars: 5/5
Goodreads Stars: 4.08/5 (With over 181,000 ratings)

I understand why this book has been nominated for so many awards, as I absolutely Loved This Book! Loved it! It is definitely one of my favs. I have read a few other books by this author and found that I quite liked how she writes. I also enjoyed her book Better than Perfect and How to Ruin series, but Perfect Chemistry stood out above the rest.

The story blew me away and after I finished it I wanted to read it again, and I did just not the same day. I think I've read this book over 6 times. That's how good it is. It's the classic good girl meets bad boy and they fall in love, but there was an aspect that Simone Elkeles brought to it that I can't explain, but that made it that little bit better.

And it was OBVIOUS that the author did her homework on this, as the gang aspect felt so real. And you wouldn't expect someone to be able to spin a character that's a gang member to be likeable and a hero but somehow she did it. I mean when I think of gangs I think of guns, drug dealers, death/murder, drive-by's, you know all those shady things, and you wouldn't expect anyone to be able to make that appealing, but somehow Elkeles made it work, making Alex a good guy, but still a badass.

And Brittany was pretty damn complex, much more than you would think after reading her description, blonde hair, blue eyes, big tits, cheer captain, you would probably expect her to be an airhead, not at all how she's like. She is a badass in her own way. I also don't know how she can deal with the mess that is her parents, and having a sister with a disability like that, all the while keeping a calm, perfect facade without going insane, seriously.

I am very happy that the POVS switched between Alex and Brittany so you get both sides of the story. That's how I prefer romance books to be written, personally. It is interesting to read the thoughts that go through both of their heads during tricky situations that are presented in this book. It also showed how each of them were affected by the other. This might be how Alex won me over as we got to see his internal struggle.

The author's style is one that works well with what I like to read. She also writes in a way that makes you feel as if you're there, standing by the characters watching this drama unfold. It simply just flows.

It also sends a message that a lot of us seem to have forgotten, don't judge books by the cover, judge by what's inside. This is a perfect way to describe people, people may have different coloured skin, look different, talk different, live somewhere else, have a different religion, but don't judge them on that judge them on what is inside.

I have read the other books in this series and I quite enjoyed them, but Perfect Chemistry will always be the winner for me.

All in all I love this book and highly recommend it to anyone who likes YA romance books.

Poem - Forever Man

Type: Rhyming

Let me tell you a story
Of a year of glory.
Two young kids
Oh heaven forbid
Not this again
It's honestly quite plain
'Oh shush'
I hush
'It's the story of us'
Now don't make a fuss

It starts in the summer of 0'8
I call it fate
As the trees danced
I looked and glanced
My heart it soared
As I walked toward
My future everything
He looked like a king 
He saw me and said
I wish to wed

First date arrives
Best time of our lives
Chatting and joking, 
Then I start choking
Up like lightning
It was quite enlightening
Kiss, Kiss
It was bliss
That was the end
He's no longer my friend

Let's skip ahead
To the day we wed
I wore white
My face bright
Flowers in my hand 
My wedding band
What a day it was 
Just because
My life went to plan
I found my forever man

Short Story - This Is Me

The girl who seemed unbreakable, broke. 
The girl who seemed strong, crumbled. 
The girl who always smiled, cried. 
The girl who never gave up, quit trying. 
Finally she dropped her fake smile and whispered,
"I can't do this anymore."

****
Do you know what it feels like to lie in your bed and just cry? Because you think you're ugly. Because you're not good enough for anyone. You've counted all your flaws from head to toe, making yourself feel worse. Cried because the comments people blurt out actually hurt? Cried because your family is dysfunctional and never understands you. They tell you to stop complaining, because you've got it better than the kids in Africa. You don't want to feel like an attention seeker so you bottle it all up inside. Around friends and family, you've created this lying smile and they believe it. But at nighttime, when you're alone in your bed, the girl who everyone thought was so happy, is crying her broken heart out. DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE??? HOW IT FEELS????

***
The pain was overwhelming, it was so much more than sadness now. It was all consuming. It was the pain when I smiled, the pain when I told everyone I was okay, when I really wasn't. The pain I let out all over my pillow. 4am knows all my secrets.

No-one knows this side of me, the side of pain, emptiness and suicidal thoughts. The side where depression festers. No-one knows the real me. How I've cried in my room when nobody was watching. How many times I've lost hope. How many times I've been let down. How many times I felt like I was about to snap, but didn't for the sake of others. Nobody knows the thoughts that go through my head when I'm sad, how horrible they truly are. NOBODY KNOWS ME! And I know if I tell anyone, I will be opening myself up to be destroyed, because everyone who I've ever trusted has betrayed me. Ripping me apart, every time.

1

It started when I was 7, harmless teasing, that I didn't really care about. Then it turned into a jab here and there. Then cold heartless words, said to me with malice. Which lead to the next stage, crying myself to sleep daily, and depression that took over my emotions. I was in deep at the age of 12, hating life, wanting to die, hoping that I could end it all.

****

"You're worthless." 
"No one likes you."
"You're an inconvenience to everyone around you."
These were a sample of things said to me daily at 12. These hateful comments breaking me down, barb by barb. But those weren't the worst.

The worst was the one that led me to cut. "Go kill yourself." 
To anyone else it could have been a joke. But to me, someone who already thought so badly about themselves, and seriously contemplated killing themself, it made me self harm.

It was a temporary escape from a daily problem. The feeling of the blood drip out of my arm, the way it seemed to free my demons, if only for a minute. The blade as cold and as dead as I was becoming. It was an experience that I craved.

It didn't help that I started to wear my jumper through hot temperatures and always covered my arms. That led to comments about cutting, making the occurrence of the cuts happen more frequently, therefore making the words worse.

Going over it I regret so much, but others I wish I could get back. Maybe, just maybe it wouldn't have led to what happened. But that's for later now, let me take you through a day in my life.

Though sad this story is mine. This was my life, once upon a time. A story of hate and heartbreak. A story of depression and destruction. A story about a twelve year old, all alone in this world.

This is my story

2

13 June 2013

8:30

I arrive to school on Monday, dreading to hear the comments and be hurt even more. But I am also glad to be back, because at home, I'm surrounded by my thoughts. And let me tell you my thoughts aren't happy or nice.

I am given my normal greetings as I enter the class, "oh look, the little emo is back, you didn't cut yourself enough to die. What a shame."

I quickly school my features, so they can't see how much it hurts, or how much I just want to go somewhere and feel the blood run from my arms.

9:00

I should probably tell you that it isn't only the students in the class that attack me, the teacher does too. And the way she does it is worse. She criticises me in everything, ripping me apart. I try not to be the best in class, because it means that the students will attack me even more, not liking that the 'little emo bitch' is smarter than them. I know that I'm smart, really smart. I was told that I could skip a few years if I wanted to. That was last year, before I learnt to hide my intelligence. I knew I couldn't be the smartest, so I calmly rested around the middle of the scale. But that led the teacher to attack me. Every. Little. Mistake. She yelled at me. Calling me stupid, dumb and making the class say things like this too. Though the student's were more vicious.

If I talked even at a little whisper, while the other students were yelling, she'd tell me to be quiet. That she didn't want to hear my voice, even if it was just a peep. I learnt to be quiet, to fade into the walls.

10:40

Break. It was only 20 minutes long, but that was enough. I had two people that I called friends. Though they treated me bad, and ditched me. They didn't make fun of me. But they made me feel even worse. Even worse than all the hateful barbs thrown at me, because it was worse than the enemy that slapped you in the face. They were the friends that stabbed you in the back. What made it even worse, was that though they did this, they probably cared for me more than anyone else in my life. And I cared for them too. I knew that caring for people only opened yourself up to be hurt. But I didn't care, I wanted to have the feeling of being safe and cared for. If only for just a second. And a second was all I got.

The year after, I stopped playing with them. Because they were getting ridiculed too. Even if they didn't like me that much. I stopped hanging with them because I would rather go through this alone, than drag others along with me. But that is later, this is about now. Back to my day.

11:00

English. My favorite subjects and my escape. I escaped in the pages of someone else's life, putting all my thoughts and fears down on paper, cleansing my head from my demons, even if just for a short time. I let my mind and pencil take over, looping letters into words and words into sentences. In Writing I was free to be me. And in Reading I lived in someone else's world, away from my demons, and for a few hours, I'm happy.

The only thing that ruins it is if we have lessons and I'm forced to deal with the teacher again and after she tore me down at maths this morning I don't think I can deal with her again. 

I am filled with elation when my group got to free read and write. I wasn't forced to face the teacher. And I was free, away from the judging eyes and hateful comments.

12:30

I was in my own little world. Until I was brought back to reality by the  ring of the bell, signaling the start of lunch and 15 minutes of sitting alone, while eating. Sitting far away from everyone, and seeing them look at me with disgust, the looks hit me to the bone.

12:45

Just because I finished eating didn't mean it got better. I now had 45 minutes walking around, acting as if I'm playing a game so I don't get pity looks from teachers. That means I have 45 minutes stuck in my head, self-loathing, bringing up all the comments people paid to me. 
It was then that I remembered one of the other teachers said to me, "I want you to be happy." And then I had a depression filled thought. Happy? You want me to be happy? Put a gun to my head and pull the damn trigger. God, I've become so bad in these passing months. Every thought, sad, every story, depressing, every word, broken. I am worthless. I am told this every day, and I readily agree with this. But I know that of I had a penny for every time someone made me feel worthless, told me that I was worthless. I would be worth something by now.

1:30

We didn't do anything worth telling you about after lunch. It was the same old comments, the same people, and the same  amount of hate.

So let me take you to after school, where you find out the other side of my life.

3:00

I come home to find the front door locked, which truthfully isn't unusual. I jump over the fence and run down the side of the house to check the back door, when I saw that the bathroom window was open. I slip through the small gap. Except when I land I realised I wasn't in there alone.

"Dad?" I questioned. Too late I realised he was drunk and in those few seconds it took me to realize this, he was behind me and smashed my head into the basin, calling me hurtful names. 
For example. "Slut." 
"You good for nothing, bitch." 
"You're nothing but an inconvenience." 
"I wish your mother fell down the stairs when she was pregnant with you. Then I wouldn't have to see you everyday," etc.

Then he left and I was collapsed onto the floor with a gash that ran across my forehead, making blood run into my eyes. After I bandaged my face, I strolled out of the bathroom, and saw my dad passed out in the hallway. Good I was fine, for now. Well that was until She got home.

That's when I hear the front door unlock and the, "I'm home." That was said every time she entered the room, so everyone would know she was there and act as expected, by getting her everything she wants.

Oh and if you haven't already guessed who she is, yeah that's my mother. I try to avoid her seeing me as she will go off at me, and her beatings are worse than my father's. As he just hits me with a hand or foot, rather than a lamp, a pan, a knife, a gun. Though the gun was only once.

Unfortunately I had to walk past the living room to get away and she saw me as I slipped past the doorway.
"You!" She accused, "you aren't allowed in the house, unless I let you in. You expect to come in here and have us bending over backwards for you. Well you thought wrong."
With that she picks up the steel bat and hits me, in the ribs, in the face, reopening the earlier gash, and repeatedly smashing my legs and hands. I could hardly move after she was finished. After all that, all she said was, "clean up this mess you've left all over the floor. Once you've done that I don't want to see you until dinner at 6."

4:00

Finally, I had finished cleaning up my blood from the floor. It didn't help that I felt like I was about to pass out at any second.

I quickly slip out of the room and into the bathroom, to the bath and the knife I keep next to it. Now to be free.
I took the blade to my wrist and cut neat lines from left to right, one under the other. Running the cuts up my arm. I fell the blood drip out of me. And the cool of the knife against my skin helped me escape my demons. I cut to let the bad blood and hate that festers inside me throughout the day, run to the bottom of the bath. To me this is therapeutic.

6:00

Dinner, filled with hateful glares and disgusted looks. While I tried to fade into the background, sinking into my seat and keeping my head down.

I counted 30 minutes down, until I was able to break down in my room and prepare myself, to live through this horror of my life again tomorrow.

20 minutes left.
10 minutes.
5 minutes.
1 minute.
3.
2.
1.

I quickly clear up my plate and dash off to my escape, my room. To be alone. Alone has always felt like a place to me, rather than a state of being, but more like somewhere to escape to, and be who I really am.

3

I remember that day like it was yesterday.

8 October 2013. The day I nearly died.

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I know this now. But when everything is going bad and nothing looks good. You don't believe in a future for yourself, you just believe that the only road is this.

This is the day I will forever regret the most. The day I nearly committed suicide.

I will start it from the main part.
Let's set the scene it is 3:30 and I have just arrived home from school. Let's begin.

3:30

When I come home from school, I lie on my desk feeling the familiar ache of being hopeless, worthless. I know it's time to go, for real this time. I'm tired, I'm just so very tired, my parents hit me, as if school wasn't bad enough today. I go to get the rope, or the knife, or the gun or whatever I choose to use. Because I'm that desperate to leave, I'm ready, I think of it as some game, the first one dead is the first one to win. 
No one's home, it's the perfect time; I'm ready. If I don't do it now I'm just going to look down on myself even more. I'm gonna hate myself even more. No one knows, no one will know, until later. Instead of getting paper and a pen, I get the video camera along with a chair; I stand on the chair and record my final message.

At this moment, I don't think about my family, or friends, or anyone for that matter. I think about life without me there. About how no one would even care. How I would drop out of this world without even a ripple.

I secure the rope around my neck, and take one foot off the chair, then pause. I don't know if I can do this. An internal struggle fights inside of me. I have absolutely nothing to live for. But I can't seem to do it.

And for the first time ever I start seeing a future for myself. I see myself breaking out of the clutches of depression. Of going to high school. About falling in love and living. And at that moment I know that I couldn't do it. I untied the rope from my neck, and stepped of the chair. I took a picture of the empty rope hanging from the ceiling. And saved it with the caption, I lived, I survived, I overcame.

That picture and my final message are kept close to my heart daily. They were soon joined by other bits and pieces. Some quotes that ran through my head for the duration of my struggle. The things that helped me live and get through it also on there. It will always be with me, and I will never let it go.

It will forever be the reminder that I was the girl who fought, I was the girl who lived.

4

That was my life. Though sad, every word true, every thought real. This is really me.

Be happy with what you have and who you are. Because not everyone is. Others are like me. So broken, so alone that they don't believe in hope anymore.

Live. Because unlike some, you will really live. Not in a tortured world, where living is hell.

Appreciate every day for what it is. Another chance at life, at love, at hope.

I know I do, because I lost myself, I lost who I was. I lost the happy little girl I once was. Though I am better, I will never be the same as I was before. I am cold, dead inside and full of pain and regret. I am thoroughly broken, but you're not, enjoy it. Live it. Don't take life for granted. Because I nearly ended mine, and I will never make that mistake again.

New Website - Write, Kpop, Fashion

I'm working on a website with a few other people called; Write, Kpop, Fashion.

Check it out there's things to appeal to almost everyone. Such as; Book Reviews, Blurbs, Poems, Book Recommendations, the Latest Fashion, Wedding Dresses, Kpop Updates, Quotes, English Lyric Translations of your favourite kpop songs and more!!!

Although it is just starting out and it's not perfect yet, I hope you still support it.

Write, Kpop, Fashion

Quote of the Week #1

He was never mine, but losing him broke my heart.

Book Review - Wanted By Her Lost Love

Title: Wanted by Her Past Love
Author: Maya Banks
Genre: Contemporary Romance
Series: Pregnancy and Passion
Pages: 184
Main Characters: Ryan Beardsley and Kelly Christian

Blurb:
Despite his fiancée's chilling betrayal, developer Ryan Beardsley provided for Kelly Christian when he sent her packing. So he's livid to find her working in a dingy Houston diner, desperate and pregnant. Regardless of whether the baby is his or his brother's, Ryan demands that Kelly return to New York with him. Now. For the baby's sake. Or maybe because the woman's as irresistible as ever...

My Review: (has swearing in it)

My Rating: -5/5
Goodreads Rating: 3.80/5
This book pissed me off at least 75% of the time. The characters were nothing like what I prefer. Kelly was very weak and Ryan was just an asshole. Neither of the main characters I liked in any remote way. The female protagonist was so stupid and naive I wanted to slap her so bad. The hero was an ignorant dick. If he was my boyfriend I would have punched him till he had a broken jaw, bloodied lip and a black eye! In spite of it being in the 21st century Kelly had no common sense. Who leaves school to be a good girlfriend??? Then the hero throws her out of his life and makes her feel like a whore.

Jarrod was just another annoying complication. Add that to a bitch of a mother, friends that seem quite shitty, a brother who should just die and the next bitch wife prospect trying to get together with Ryan. (I can't even call him a hero as he wasn't that for me.) The whole Jarrod, Kelly, Ryan situation pissed me off. Especially since if Ryan had actually loved Kelly in the first places he would have believed her over his brother, or at least bloody listened to her and thought about what she was feeling. Rather then just being an insensitive bastard like he was. And anyway I don't mind if there is a meddling bitch of a mother but this book just didn't fit it and honestly wasn't that good.

Most of the characters were jerks. The conflict was just too big for me and unforgivable. I wouldn't have ever talked to the hero again if I was the heroine. I would have taken every penny I could squeeze out of him and said later sucker.

****SPOILER****
And the surprise marriage proposal 75% ish way through the book was unnecessary. Ryan didn't trust her or even listen to her. Kelly was the damsel in distress just going along with whatever Ryan said. They hadn't rehashed the past which was the main obstacle in their relationship. It just disgusted me. If some dick did that to me I would have said no, hellll no. You have a voice he can't force you to do shit. God! The proposal probably wasn't even said out of love but because of the baby. Most of this story probably wouldn't have happened if she hadn't gotten pregnant.

**End Of Spoiler**

The entire book annoyed me, the book wasn't paced properly there was no character development, half of the things that happened were pointless and a waste of time. I have read so many books and I can honestly say that this is one of the worst I have ever had the displeasure to read. I only kept reading as I thought a book couldn't be this bad all the way through. The whole story was a waste of my time.

I liked none of the characters absolutely zero. Kelly would be better off without ever meeting Ryan. Ryan was one of the worst male leads I have had the horror of reading about. I have no idea how some people could rate this a four, let alone a five. And honestly I don't know how this has an average rating of 3.80/5, for me it would have been lucky to get 1.

I have actually liked other books by this author but this one just wasn't for me honey. Hated it. Fucking HATED it.

(This was completely my opinion you may end up loving this book and question if you read the same book I did. Or you could hate it as much as me. Sorry about all the swearing in this review it just pissed me off so much.)